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by Laura Gatmaitan Perez

When you are a reasonable person constantly provoked to anger, you have every right to act on it.

The moment you rein in the rage and find “correct” words to dissipate the fury, you disconnect from yourself. The poison remains in your system and slowly paralyzes you.

This could be the reason I lost my “muchness.”

And there were three crucial moments when I could have reacted differently:

  1. When a stranger barged into my house
  2. When someone offered pity
  3. When a judge determined my future

Having gone down the rabbit hole, I wallowed in my intermittent smallness until the big moment drew me out to face Jabberwocky. To my utter shock, he was every inch like me but only in Wonderland, soon to lose its smoke and mirrors. To everyone else, this black dragon – with engaging punch lines and hypnotic charm – was the unconquerable champion.

I had to recall three impossible things that became possible to restore my muchness.

  1. Learning to count
  2. Taking the shackles off my feet
  3. Fighting alone

However long and excruciating it took,  I succeeded in beheading Jabberwocky. But I saw my head roll, too, not once but numerous times. And the most shocking thing of all: they made me drink the slime that flowed from its severed head before I was able to come back home.

Upon my return, the resident dog licked my hand profusely but now I know why. Feed it and it feeds your lameness. Love it and it smothers you with what you want to interpret as love.

I don’t want this interdependence anymore.


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