My sister had started cutting her tresses although I told her we would go to a hairstylist at the town proper. Did she get impatient while I napped on my comfy sofa? We’d have to go to church (it’s Sunday, isn’t it?) before buying groceries. Did she think that would take so long?

I took in those images as if in deep meditation: she combing her hair in that ever so tender way of hers, and got struck by her luminous beauty. She wasn’t conscious of it, though. She never bragged about it.

I heard her asking something very gently. I struggled to understand the words but got lost in a hypnotic state. My confusion snapped me out of it – are we at home or somewhere else? – and took me back to 2016.

Once more, she came in a dream, regrettably a brief one. I had dozed off while watching the news.

How I longed for that episode to continue so that I could take her shopping, make her laugh, hug her. She was the touchy-feely type but I never let her hug me, at least when we became adults.

What if years from now, they come up with a machine that could make you re-live a moment of your past, not just see it unfold as in a video but be there where it happens, and you are equipped with the FOREKNOWLEDGE that she would soon be gone?

You would most definitively pour all your love in those few seconds and she would probably be overwhelmed by it. You’d get clingy, you’d spoil her, patronize her, not let her out of your sight. Would she feel suffocated?

But she just might enjoy it.

I’d like to think that such fine-tuned moment could sustain me years and years from now because I had finally chosen NOT TO HOLD BACK.


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